


I thought I'd lost you - A message to those with Depression

by Roosterbytes



Category: Septiplier - Fandom
Genre: A message to those with Depression, Depression, Happy Ending, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, dark themes, self-hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-08 00:49:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6832150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roosterbytes/pseuds/Roosterbytes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story and a message about Depression and the struggles it comes with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I thought I'd lost you - A message to those with Depression

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ThatGirlThatNoOneReallyKnows](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatGirlThatNoOneReallyKnows/gifts), [razorbladecass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/razorbladecass/gifts), [Wakinguptired (CrossedColts)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrossedColts/gifts), [starryeyedboxes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryeyedboxes/gifts), [authorallyy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/authorallyy/gifts), [Itsquiettime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itsquiettime/gifts).
  * Inspired by ["You're Never Alone" ~ To Anyone Dealing With Any Form Of Depression](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6798082) by [ThatGirlThatNoOneReallyKnows](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatGirlThatNoOneReallyKnows/pseuds/ThatGirlThatNoOneReallyKnows). 



> After reading "You're never alone" last night, I had to write something. I've been dealing with Depression for almost 13 years now and it's been 2years today since my last suicide attempt so I felt this was even more fitting that I wrote this. Awful wording but I hope you understand. I hope that this story and message help. Have a good day.
> 
>  **Edit :** This is the number for the American Suicide Hotline : 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Thank you Sara for putting it in the comments. If anyone else has numbers they would like to add, feel free to leave them in the comments and I will add them here. Thank you again.
> 
> Another little small edit. You should listen to this song, I find it helpful. Jimmy Eat World - The Middle https://youtu.be/FV-HPOHu8mY

Despite his mouth being open, his lips are sealed shut. Lies are rolling off his tongue instead of the cries for help trapped in his throat. Messages are typed displaying his well-being, he's not okay, only to be deleted and replaced by something else or more lies. He figures they don't care, and even if they did, he'd rather suffer in silence then burden those he loves. So despite his rapid decline into the depths of Depression, he has a smile on his face and laughter bubbling up his throat because he's _fine_ , really.

He's still _fine_ when there's tears rolling down his cheeks and hiccuped sobs tumbling from his lips. He may be desperate for someone to hold him, to reassure him that it's okay and he'll make it through this, that they're there for him, but he makes no effort to reach out for someone. He instead curls farther under his blankets and buries his face in his pillow in attempts to silence his sobs and maybe stop his breathing. Fuck him that pillows have small holes in them. And when Jack comes home later that night, Mark stuffs away that moment of vulnerability and pretends it never happened. It's stored away in the back of his head because he doesn't want to worry his love.

And seriously, he's _okay_ , really. He's _okay_ when the self-hate takes over. When he can no longer look at himself in the mirror because the image before him disgusts him. He's still _okay_ when the thoughts begin and he finds himself 'accidentally' bumping into things and receiving small cuts when he makes dinner. He's most definitely _okay_ when the 'accidents' become intentional and he finds many countless nights laying a blade against his skin with such slow movements no blood bubbles but angry pink skin remains.

He's _alright_ when those angry pink lines become accompanied by dark red beads of blood. He's _alright_ when his new coping mechanism is to carve his flesh and let the pain inside become external. He's _alright_ when he begins to make weekly trips to the bathroom with a blade in his pocket and a towel in his hand. He's _alright_ when that towel becomes _his towel_ and he has to hide it from Jack because it's smeared with dried blood. And he's most definitely _alright_ when his coping mechanism turns into fuel for his self-hate and his new way to punish himself. When the Depression begins to convince him he deserves every line and the pain that follows. That it's all his fault and he deserves to be punished, _needs_ to be punished. 

Mark is most certainly is doing _good_ when the suicidal thoughts begin. When they attack him late at night or whenever he's alone. He's _good_ when his cuts become slightly deeper but definitely faster as the amount begins to rack up. When the suicidal thoughts plague him into crying and wishing he'd dug deeper over that blue lifeline under his skin. When he can no longer look at cars the same way, when ibuprofen tumbles into large handfuls that he has to force himself to put back. When he buys sleeping pills to help with his racing thoughts and restless sleep. When he has to look away from the pile of pills in his hand and pour them into the bottle quickly before he gives in.

And Mark is _happy_ when the suicidal thoughts win. He's happy as the pills go down his throat with ease and a smile graces his lips. He's _happy_ because he can finally escape the pain he's been in for so long. The pain that's accumulated over time and festered in his mind. He's smiling as tears roll down his cheeks and he decides to say one final goodbye to the love of his life. When he has a split second regret about what he's done and picks up his cellphone where he immediately dials Jack's number. He's happy, genuinely so, to hear Jack's voice on the other end as the words he wanted to say for so long flow from his lips. His cries for help being hiccuped and finally, he's scared because he doesn't want to leave Jack. He just wanted the pain to stop but he realizes he'd miss so many things despite his painful existence. Guilt crawls under his skin. Rationally fighting with his irrational mind and his Depression. An apology falls from his lips. A simple "I'm sorry" which causes panic to lace Jack's voice and clatter to happen in the background of the phone. Jack's rushed words barely making it to Mark's ears as the world becomes hazy. Where he makes himself lay down because he's so tired and feels so sick. Mark barely registers his voice saying "I love you Jack" and "please help me, I'm scared".

Mark barely registers his body spasming as bile rises in his throat and splatters on their bed. He barely registers Jack's screams that he thinks are in the room. Jack's rushed words telling him to hang on and that he loves him. He barely registers Jack's whisper of "please don't leave me, Mark. I love you".

 

There's too much noise. Everything is hazy and he can't make out the sounds around him. He feels sick and sore and he wants to fall back asleep instead of being awake in whatever this is. His mind begins to sort through the haze and he can begin to make out some of the noises. There's beeping and shuffling echoing around him. He feels a blanket on his body and a hand wrapped around his own. He feels the tug of needles in his skin and curiosity causes him to open his eyes. White greets him and for a moment he's afraid he's gone blind. His eyes drift and shadows dance across the walls giving him relief. The hand around his tightens and he looks over to the source. Jack is sitting there, red-rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks. More cascade down and drip from his chin as a sad smile graces his features.

"Mark.." Jack breathes out a sigh of relief and his tears fall faster as his body shakes. Hiccups and sobs are falling from his lips and despite it all, Jack's trying to keep his eyes open to meet Mark's own. Mark tries to reply but his throat is raw and thrashed. It hurts. Mark tries to reach up and brush Jack's cheeks but the moment his hand leaves Jack's, there's fear in those blue eyes and the man grabs Mark's hand again as if his life depends on it. Mark gives a sad smile and mouths the words "I'm sorry Jack". He takes in Jack's disheveled appearance and realizes, he caused this. He caused Jack so much pain by trying to leave. _He cares. He loves you,_ his mind supplies and Mark feels tears roll down his own cheeks. He's so sorry. Incredibly so. He had felt so alone. He felt no one loved him, that no one would care if he were gone. Jack proved him wrong. The love of his life is sitting beside him and gripping to him for dear life because he'd almost lost him.

Mark's thoughts are interrupted as Jack's lips move. He's telling Mark how he's glad he's alive. How he was afraid he'd lost him. How he couldn't bear the thought and how much he loved him. It's when Jack begins to apologize because he hadn't known Mark was suffering for so long. His other hand rubs up and down over Mark's cuts, old scars reside beside healing cuts and Mark feels the guilt well up again.

"Yer- yer family is on their-their way. Bob, Wade, Matt, Ryan are-are coming too." Jack murmurs.  
"God I thought I'd lost you. I'm so glad you're alive." Jack says before bringing Mark's hand to his lips. Mark mouths another "I'm sorry" followed by the words "I love you".  
"I love you too Mark." Jack replies. Mark tries to reach Jack with his other hand and finds he can just barely reach before it tugs at the wires. Mark frowns and instead Jack meets his hand with his face. Mark wipes Jack's tears with a sad smile. There's a lot they need to talk about, but for right now, they were both glad Mark was alive.  
\-----------

I don't know how to start this, so I apologize in advance.

There's so many things that need to be said and Depression is such a horrible monster. It convinces you of all these things. It makes you feel dead inside, like you're rotting from the inside out. You begin to feel that no one cares, that no one loves you and the Depression helps fuel that belief and only grows strong from it. You begin to feel alone. And although Depression is different for everyone, it's still a monster through and through. It still eats you alive and you can only battle it for so long. Some people turn to self-harm. Some turn to suicide and some don't get the chance to see what that does. What their death causes.

I am "lucky" enough to have had the "chance" to see what happens. I ended up in a hospital, two years ago today, and although my cuts were, in the doctor's words, "superficial", I had caused a great deal of chaos in my household. I saw my mother and sister weep. I saw my Father, an emotionless man, with water in his eyes and a sad look on his face. I didn't get to see what my actions had done to my younger brother because he couldn't move from the couch. What I had done, had caused him so much pain. He was in shock and my cousin was there by his side. One breakdown had caused all of this. And 20 minutes later, I was fine. (This won't be accurate for everyone. I have a mood disorder.) I spent that night comforting my family. I spent that night in a gurney in scrubs so I couldn't hang myself, comforting my sister who sobbed, my mother who was in shambles and my father who was speechless. I remember my sister asked me "How can you be so calm about this" and I told her "I'm fine now", because the feeling had passed. Don't get me wrong, I am still suicidal, and cut and relapsed many times after that, but that once instance stands out to me.

I want you to know, you are not alone. It may feel like it, your brain will convince you of it, but there are so many people out there who understand what Depression is. They face the same demon even if it effects them differently.

I want you to know that you don't need to fight this alone. It's okay to ask for help. Sometimes when you fight a big monster in a video game, you need to recruit someone to help you and that's okay. It doesn't make you weak for asking for help. You are not weak. The fact that you face this monster, this demon, every day, makes you strong. Because despite the fact it feels like you aren't winning, each day, each hour, every minute you are alive, is a win.

Not everyone has suicidal thoughts, not everyone turns to self-harm, that doesn't make your Depression any better or worse than anyone else's. Please remember that.

And please remember you aren't bothering anyone if you ask for help. You are allowed to ask for help. You are allowed to care about yourself enough to ask for it. It's okay to put yourself first.

There's probably so much more that needs to be said but I think I'll leave this here and leave you with some things that may help.

-Singing causes endorphins. They make you happy.  
-Practice smiling. The action of smiling causes endorphins as well.  
-Use distractions to help keep you from going down that downward spiral.  
-Do things you love.  
-Reach out to someone you trust and ask for help. It doesn't have to be all at once, you can just say you're having a bad day and need company.  
-Something I learned to stop self-harm was realizing I didn't need to do it. The itch still remained but when I wanted to self-harm, I used distractions or did things I loved and waited for the urge to pass.

You are worth so much more than you think and there are people who love you. They may not know how to help you, so if you have ideas, tell them. And if someone denies your help, ask someone else. Don't give up. You are important, your needs are important. Help yourself. I wish you all the best with fighting this monster. I hope you all have a good day. Take care.


End file.
